i am rilly tired but i’m not sleeping cos i just had dinner.

today is officially the worst day of my life. never felt sooooo frustrated doing math ever in my life. i was on the verge of tears (extreme, i know) so many times but i held back. who cries over stupid sums.. okay. me. i do. lol

(this feels like pre A-level paper nights when i come into wordpress in the middle of studying toyota for human geog and start ranting)

okayzzzzzzz. so as i was saying. i am never a math person ever. i hate math so much, there was this one point in time today when i was doing ms, and the lecturer appeared in my head, and all i had were images of me hammering him… interesting what math does to me. when i finally felt like something in me was on the verge of snapping, i took my ipod and walked around the potong pasir neighbourhood. peaceful (= ranted to God.. i really love God’s presence in my life. i really really wanna grow so much more closer to God. so much more intimate. and i so want to want God more in my life. He’s beautiful (=

okay back to work.  just abit more stats.. abit more. shall stop being depressed and miserable. so not helping. STRUGGLING POWERFFUUULLYYY. but okay u can’t stop me from complaining =x but anywaysssss. whatever tomm’s paper is like.. i’d like to say, i’ve done my best!

**note to self: no macs/ potong pasir/ chocolates for the next 2 months. okay chocolate may not be possible. cos i have alot now. and all given by people who loveeee me!

(i actually had some jap chocolates, a kinder white, and a few reese chocos today!! at the rate i go i might just turn into a chocolate ball)

okay work.. go chiazzzz go go go!

yeah, literally. the whole ceiling fell out. so my bathroom is currently bald. like, not open air bald but i can see all the pipes and wires. sometimes i imagine there are rats and cockroaches living there (oh MAYBE that’s where they all came from) but in any case its super freaky… gonna bathe in my parents room for a while. because my bathroom has no lightbulb either =(

went to the airport again today!!! there’s just this really therapeutic feel about the airport. when i was there i remembered all the times i studied there, Olevels with bff at pacific coffee company and other random ppl… Alevels with bryan and the churchies. mm good times. that reminds me. i was just lookin thru my livejournal entries yesterday. maaan, i was so carefree during jc life! everything was so easy. my blog entries sounded so happy. i was so happy reading through them all. things so simple. everything was, okay i trust God! my friends rock! my school rocks! i think i’m super boring and heavy with many things now, my blog machiam depressing. i don’t wanna read back next year and realise i’ve been such a serious, depressed person!!! (okay i’m not. i just cursed tansijing with my penguin curse.) and i miss my friends so much!!! gonna kick off post exams with a meet-up with our half!! i miss you all so much!!! then i’m gonna picnic with mah gal pals! then mah sheepsheep gonna come over for stayovers!! and my hunky brother’s gonna be back from ireland!! and i’m gonna start reggae-ing with tze and althea (i think!! i hope?!) okay im totally excited now.

but before i start thinking abt my hols all over the place, i still have FOUR papers to go. but hey at least i conquered stats today!! conquered as in, i totally did all my hypothesis testing (sounds familiar??) stuff. anyway econs paper wasn’t too fantastic. i was totally lost at question2 but my friends asked i just yayaya i think its the quadratic equations… i left the entire question blank. seriouslyyyyy right. but okay. i choose to be joyful!! mark my words people. no matter what my econs grade…….. yeah, i’ll choose to not be affected by it. okay… maybe just 10 minutes alright. hahaha.

toodoo. it’s chillaxing to post totally brainless stuff at times.

lifegroup at my place tomm! yay! lookin’ fwd too =D

there are some things i need to clear up in my life… and i need to set my mind to them once exams are over.

correction. i need to set my mind to them now, and then put it into action once my last paper ends on 3rd dec. i dislike expectations. but i hate failed expectations even more. especially when i fail others. i am a people pleaser, i admit, but you are too, i guess everyone is to a certain extent. i’m not talking about pleasing everybody, i’m talking about some important people in my life that i’ve failed. the feeling, is pretty painful. because in the first place, you know those ‘expectations’ weren’t even the demanding kinds. get my drift?

sigh. growing up is tough. being stubborn is bad. sometimes i just hope the problems and struggles i face now would just vanish before my very eyes. but then again, i am responsible for myself, and these are things nobody else can do for me.

after coming to uni, building genuine friendships… is really tough. sometimes you look around you, the people you’re chummy with… the people you hang out with… can you really trust them? no i’m not emo-ing. i think this is just a fact of life. not that i doubt my pals. but remember how as a kid your parents used to tell you, when you grow up, ‘open wide your eyes when you make friends’ (okay they still say it alot now) and i’m beginning to see some light in it. it’s tiring, really. sometimes after i share a little deeper about myself, it feels as if i left open a gaping hole in my heart, vulnerable and uncomfortable. on the one hand, i’d love to share with my friend. on the other, i’m afraid this person would not take care of that piece of myself i’ve shared. the irony of it.this struggle is magnified a 100 times after coming to university. lol.

i thank God for being my ever faithful, trustworthy, permanent listening ear. i thank God for being my best friend who loves me unconditionally and accepts me as i am. after getting some bruised elbows and shins, i think i will not try to be smart-alec and think my human friends can replace the place of God in my life. so yes, honestly, i admit i’ve been too caught up in trying to build my physical friendships and kinda neglected the most important one in my life. i can’t try to build these friendships on my own. if God is not in the centre of it… nothing else can stick. God, running back to You….

and i thank God for the family He’s placed me in, once again. my churchies (i.e. church pals) form a big part of my life. don’t know what i’d do without them. people say blood is thicker than water, and spirit is thicker than blood. it’s true… people who watched me grow up, grew up with me, saw me through my unglam-est moments, and celebrated my victories with me. let’s go on together.

chia remb to not take God and your friends for granted.

growing up is really tough!!!!! (sorry for being so complainey)

(once im done with whining i’ll move on with life, haha)

(okay moving on…)

i’m out to fight a winning battle.

one more thing. just one more.

if people wanna get a ride from me, shouldn’t they ask me directly?? even if you ask my best friend, i am still the driver. it doesn’t make sense does it? i go to B and say, Hey, can i take A’s car, please?

what’s wrong with people seriously. lol.

if you want to borrow something from a friend, you ask around the whole world for permission except the friend herself. got link, meh??

basic courtesy. works well for both you and me (= thanks.

ps. i am not emo nor am i angsty. yes i agree with something my friend said, sometimes people really don’t know how to 自动。and i think i really don’t want to be like that to my other friends too.

dear friends,

i am not your chauffeur.

i can drive you and drop you if it’s on the way… but other than that, please don’t take me for granted. i love you, that’s why i’m willing to fetch you or offer you a ride. granted, i can go out of my usual way to give you a ride on some occasions. but i have no obligations towards you. please understand that. please don’t act as if our conversation topic ends on the point when i can’t fetch you. if you love me, don’t treat me like thrash.

just like you, i need some time alone to breathe also. sometimes i need my travelling time to be quiet and alone.

and please, be polite, okay? i don’t owe you anything.

if you want to take my car, ASK ME. don’t just jump on and tell me you’re joining me for dinner, when nobody said anything.

if you want to take my car, ASK ME, don’t try to play  mind games with me and make me feel bad for not fetching you.

you know what. one day when you start driving, you’ll realise how tiring it is….

and then you realise how demanding your friends really are, at times. just that they don’t really do it in your face.

(well im not specifically addressing anyone here. if you feel offended… maybe you’re one of them. haha)

well chia, time to set some boundaries!

edit//
Twentysomething says:
and u shd say
“and when you ask, it means i have the option to reject you”

Twentysomething says:
“and i can be free and still choose to reject you because i want my breathing space”
“i am not your mother”

Twentysomething says:
“pay me 500sgd a mth and i will be there to attend to your every transport whim”

BAHAHA ah kor you rock!!

got this off jiali.

bamz (it’s kinda cool to have a z after every word..apparently). God whacked me big time this week. i look at my previous post and seriously, when you ask God for this kinda things, God never says no!!! and God’s been speakin’ to me in the most amazing ways ever, one of them was during marketing subject study, which got me stumped for 10 minutes not over the survey question, but over what God breathed into my heart. God’s spoken, it’s now my responsibility to act on it. go chia!! thoughts and talk never make the difference, but actions do. here’s to livin’ life on the edge. this week is gonnna be more exciting than the last week!! i’m gonna be more hungry, be more aware of the Spirit, be closer to the breakthrough that i need. doing life with God, exciting ttm!!

as this week starts off, God reminded me about the essence of Christian life, how He intends for us to live our lives. He reminded me that Christian life is meant to be exciting, mean to be victorious, and i’m killin’ it by being contented to just ‘have a good and smooth-sailing day’. no, i’m not contented at all. the moment i heard that from God, i desperately wanted to live it out. i desperately wanted to have an explosive (in the good sense, boomsz) week, i wanted to live an above average life, and i kid you not, i wanted problems just so that i can depend on God so much more! no victories without battles!

survival is instinctive. anyone would want a good, smooth sailing, day. anyone could have that, simply by staying away from challenges and potential struggles. but that’s really not what i want. so what if i have school? so what if i have projects and a big pile of homework? so what if i have so much to do? am i just gonna settle for the very least of it, do the bare minimum and when my day ends, thank God for a smooth day?! NOOO. i am so not going to trade a fulfilling, victorious life for something so mundane and average. i don’t want to settle for second best, i WANT the best. so yes, i prayed for big things to happen. i asked God to let me run into problems so that i would fight the battles together with Him. what a crazy prayer right? but man, isn’t it so true? if i expect nothing, i’m just gonna hit nothing.

it burdens me how so many christians are just settling for the average life. where’s the energy!? where’s the fervour for more of God in our lives?!! where’s the expectation to see God’s hands move in our everyday lives?! i remember my Alevel days, i was studying, and at the same time on the ground serving my caregroup as well. it was tough, but soooo uber fulfilling. does life stop because of exams? no it definitely doesn’t. as much as exams is part of my life, well.. God IS my life. exams would come, exams would go, and once this period of my life is over, i’m not gonna get it back. so according to that same principle, i definitely have  more to study now compared to those days, but man, i choose to be passionate about life. i choose to be a full time Christian, livin’ the life that God wants for me.

i face you with a hunger for life and an appetite for more than the average, mr week ahead!!

tonight our mooncake festival caregroup epic fail!! no sparklers, no mooncakes, no lanterns… LOL.

BUT……

it’s important to laugh at yourself for silly mistakes made and move on to better things, right cheng and althea?! i think you guys successfully salvaged the situation! (: instead of crying over spilt milk, clean up the mess and make everyone else’s life better, including yours! well done guys!

so we had such an impromptu awesome time playing pseudo 猜灯谜 (more like, CHINESE taboo) at the marine crescent playground, and laughing at our … this really really stupid game that althea led. the sentences were HILARIOUS!!! the funniest one involved our jasmine loh. hahaha.

and after that for one hour or so… we spent time listening to one another share about our families, and at the end of it, i thanked God in my heart because i saw how intricately He’s woven all these relationships, and how he brought us together into this one spiritual family too. the beauty simply lies in how different our backgrounds are, yet our heartbeats are the same. JCEA4, i’m thankful for a beautiful family like you guys (:

i also talked about my family… and i really appreciate my family: my mum, my dad, and my brother. my greatest wish is to see the folks receive Christ and stay in church. ah kor! keep praying with me kay!!

and i also shared about my spiritual family. brings both joy and tears to my eyes. shall not elaborate more. but i literally grew up with this church, albeit all the inconsistencies in my younger years. and i really thank God that the people in this family shaped me, my values and beliefs, and helped me grow in many many areas. its the family i never will wanna leave behind or abandon.

i love this family of God (:

a little bit on the sian side… well just a little bit.

chia feels pretty lonely now (= HAHAHA okay i’m just kidding.

i’m gonna resume contemp jazz class tonight after a 6-week hiatus. the thought of derrick’s exercises makes me quiver. but oh… my fault for stopping for so long. i bet i’m gonna drag myself out with muscle aches and all that. okay… filled with fear and trembling now (=

so chia is on a battle to keep herself disciplined and committed to the things she’s in. cmon, NO LAZINESS!!

till then! (this post is purely random and for the sake of self-entertainment)

it broke before God.

for the first time in a long long long time, the grace and the love of God was so raw before my eyes, it penetrated my heart and broke down all those things i was holding on to. it was a journey, from feeling so undeserving and unworthy, sinful and hopeless, to knowing that God’s grace is just so, so, so, enough for me, to accepting it like a child delighted at receiving the greatest gift she’s ever did, and then finally, overflowing with indescribable thankfulness.

i need childlike faith, indeed.

but i also need the maturity and responsibility of a grown-up to follow that up. my commitment to and love for Jesus is not, and will not be child’s play.

sometimes being childlike also comes from maturity, i guess? to be aware that life is too short to think that im the know-it-all. to put down all pride, tear down all defences, let go of what i thought was mine, and realise we are who we are before God. God’s very original creations, uncorrupted by worldly systems and untainted by worries of life, isn’t that who we really are?

i think all of us are seriously shortsighted, or maybe even blind. because life is filled with too much logic, too many things that must fit into an explanation. God’s grace is so illogical it’s a miracle in itself. little kids really do believe superheroes can save the world, they believe batman will wallop (er who’s that? i don’t watch batman. poison ivy? HAHA =x oh freak, so anti climax)…. they believe superman will arrive in the nick of time to save the world, and the most amazing thing is, they believe their mums and dads are superheroes who hold their world up and can do everrrrything. kids never considered about the feasibility of something, oh what about the finances, or how is it going to happen despite the enemy being really big looking and strong? they do purely one thing: believe. when we grow up, do we still believe in superhero Jesus?

you know, today i finally understood what it feels like to know that everything just isnt right, just isnt possible at all, yet still find an inner peace that yes, i trust God.

i believe in superhero Jesus.